Divorce is one of the most stressful situations an individual can go through. The first step to healing from divorce is meeting yourself where you are and admitting that you’re hurting. You’ve experienced something traumatic, and things are going to be hard for a while. Our culture of comparison and perfectionism tells us that you should be able to go through hard things without looking like you’re having a hard time, but I am here to give you permission to look like you’re having a hard time for a while.
A divorce is devastating.
It’s going to be hard.
But you are capable of doing hard things.
Whether you asked for your divorce or not, you’re going to struggle. Because this is a place you never intended to be. Getting through a divorce isn’t about moving on as quickly as possible. Healing from your divorce is about meeting yourself in your grief, trauma, rejection, fear, shame, anger, loneliness, and all of the feelings you may be feeling.
Healing is about learning how to take care of yourself in these feelings, recognizing your needs, and then lovingly responding to them instead of just telling yourself to get over them already. We put together a roadmap for how to heal from divorce.
Let yourself grieve.
You have just lost of one of the most significant relationships in your life. However, this loss is not the only one you may face. Because of the divorce, you may have also lost a family member, friend, companion, romantic partner, co-parent, financial stability, your vision for the future, or even friends and neighbors. Each loss needs to be grieved on its own. It will be emotional and hard because you also have many stressful, important decisions to make for your children, finances, and yourself.
You may be tempted to get through the divorce without your emotions, but you need them. Consistently avoiding your emotions can not only make your emotions worse, but can also ramp up levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. For example, avoiding emotions like anger, fear, and grief will only lead to a greater eruption of that emotion later on. You need to engage with your emotions to properly move through the critical stages of grief.
The stages of grief aren’t linear. You will move in and out of them. Certain events and triggers can throw you right back into emotions that you thought were behind you. You may find yourself processing things you thought you’d already processed. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are part of the full grief process— it’s not about checking off each box to move on more quickly. Working through these stages of grief is crucial to normalize your emotions. Remind yourself that no matter what stage you’re in at the moment, you are right where you’re supposed to be.
Find a release for your feelings.
Take care of yourself, dignify your feelings by feeling them entirely, and then let them go. It’s easy to get stuck in emotions like anger and depression. If you stay there too long without processing and releasing them, you’ll find yourself sinking into lengthier seasons of bitterness and hopelessness. First, notice, name, and validate all of your feelings. Notice where they take root in your body and observe them curiously, make space for them, and let them be.
Next, find ways to release your feelings through exercise, creativity, connections with others or nature, gratitude, laughing till your stomach hurts, or spending energy on your passions again. Finding routines like these to release your stuck emotions and stress will help you remain in the present, feel more rested, and restore hope about your future.
Focus on what you can control.
There are many elements of the separation and divorce process that are outside your control, and this reality can make you feel powerless. But there are also so many things that you still have control over, like your story, beliefs, body, responses, and commitments.
- You can own your story, explore the dark parts, and move toward the light.
- You get to challenge your negative belief systems and find one that works for you.
- You get to choose how you respond to the trials that you’re facing.
- You have control over how many commitments you take on during this time and how you prioritize self-care.
You still have power.
Notice how you’re making meaning.
Making sense of and creating meaning around what’s happening to you is such an important step in the divorce process. When we experience something traumatic, it’s common for our brain to develop irrational beliefs about the event, ourselves, and the world. The conclusions you draw from your divorce and the meaning you assign to it will significantly impact your beliefs about yourself, your family, your relationships, and many other areas of your present and future—some of which you may not even recognize.
For example, notice if you’re feeling like a failure. Longevity is often seen as the ultimate indicator of marital success, but plenty of people with long marriages are miserable, and plenty of people with divorces are happy. When a marriage ends, it doesn’t necessarily mean that either partner failed or the relationship was worthless.
Take time to reflect on what you learned from your relationship, what you’re grateful for, what you’ll miss, what you get to keep from it, and what you’re proud of. You get to create a more balanced, complete, compassionate, growth-minded narrative about your marriage and divorce.
End your relationship well.
There is no contradiction in working toward a successful divorce —one that’s respectful and dignifying to your relationship and your family. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, author, and podcaster, shares in her book The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, “Just as we have marriage ceremonies to mark the beginning of a union, we also need rituals to mark the end.”
What can you do to mark the end of your marriage? It could be a letter to say goodbye or a gathering of close friends to show you their support in your new chapter. It could be the packing away of parts of your life together. The conclusion could be a final hug, handshake, dinner, or taking off your wedding ring. Or maybe it’s your personal journey towards forgiveness.
Don’t race to move on too quickly.
You deserve ample time to heal and process without adding more stressors, such as a new relationship. You don’t need to prove anything to your ex by moving on faster than you’re ready, as doing so ends up extending your grieving process even further.
Take time to find yourself again and gain confidence outside the roles you assumed in your marriage. Your divorce doesn’t have to define you, but moving on too quickly won’t prove that it doesn’t.
How will you heal from your divorce?
If you’re struggling to let go and move on, it can be helpful to remind yourself that past hurts, betrayals, losses, and mistakes do not define you. There is so much waiting for you when you embrace this mindset. You have the power to choose how your story continues.
Divorce is never easy, but you don’t have to make it harder by trying to go through it alone. Lean into your community and the people you trust and connect with professionals who can help you identify and meet your needs during this time. You are not alone.
Reach out to us if you need support as you grieve, own your story, and find your power. We are available for in-person sessions at our Charlotte, NC office or virtually for residents of NC and SC.