Relationships can provide some of the greatest joys, profound love, and comforting securities. Yet relationships also trigger anxiety and bring some of our heaviest fears and scariest longings to the surface.
It’s typical to worry about your relationship or your partner at times. This concern shows us how much we value love, family, connection, and partnership. The things you worry about the most are usually connected to the things you desire or value the most in your relationship. You likely want to feel supported, known, and accepted. If you’re at the beginning of a new relationship, you may worry about your compatibility with your new partner. You may think about whether your partner sees the same potential in you as you do in them. In a long-term relationship, you may worry about where you fall on your partner’s priority list, why your conflict has changed and shifted over time, or whether or not you still have the same dreams or goals.
All these can be healthy and helpful forms of anxiety, especially if you embrace your vulnerabilities and communicate your worries, desires, and needs to your partner. This communication can help your partner better get to know you, how to care for you, and how to strengthen your bond overall. Yet, issues can arise if your anxiety gets in the way of these opportunities to build closeness. Unmanaged relationship anxiety can lead to more distance, unresolved conflict, and built-up resentment or insecurity.
What is Relationship Anxiety?
Suppose you’re noticing that your relationship anxiety is persistent, feels overwhelming, or is limiting you from engaging authentically or taking steps forward in healthy and secure ways. In that case, it’s best to slow down and be curious about where your anxiety is coming from and what it needs.
Relationship anxiety is different for everyone, so it’s best not to try to compare. There are some signs that your relationship anxiety might be linked to something deeper:
- You notice frequent intrusive thoughts or doubts like “do they still love me?”
- You often overanalyze small interactions between you and your partner to find a hidden meaning in each other’s “true” feelings.
- You are constantly scanning for threats to your relationship.
- You search for evidence to back up fears that you’re incompatible or unhappy.
- You find yourself shutting down instead of being vulnerable or your authentic self.
Anxiety patterns like this are rooted in various insecurities and past relationship wounds or traumas. The key isn’t just to get rid of these patterns but to get to their root. From there, you can work to understand what you most need to heal these old wounds, gain confidence and comfort, build trust, and work to get your needs met more consistently.
The Top 5 Reasons for Relationship Anxiety
Relationship history
Think about your past romantic relationships and the ways that they shaped you. If you’ve had positive relationships, you are more likely to feel confident in yourself and your ability to have successful relationships in the future. But if you’ve been in relationships in the past that made you question your value or distrust others, you are much more likely to carry anxiety into your future relationships. For example, suppose you’ve experienced rejection or have been cheated on by a previous partner. In that case, it’s natural for you to be more sensitive and anxious in response to any signs it may be happening again.
Attachment style
So many of the ways we engage in relationships are because of how our primary caregiver engaged us. This one relationship shapes our developing brain in significant ways. Our primary caregiver relationship shapes our ability to be aware of and regulate our emotions, our resilience to distress and adversity, and how we attach to others as adults. Perhaps your primary caregiver sometimes provided comfort and reassurance when you were distressed. And yet, other times, your caregiver fell short when they were caught up in their own needs and couldn’t meet yours. You may have developed an insecure anxious attachment style. As an adult, this may look like higher levels of anxiety and emotion about your relationship, your partner’s reliability, and your ability to be enough for your partner. This insecure anxious attachment style often translates into you feeling that the only way to get your needs met by your partner is to express your pain or anxiety in dramatic and persistent ways. For more on attachment, check out our Attachment 101.
Limiting beliefs
Belief systems help us create stories about who we are and how we should navigate the world around us. A limiting belief is a conviction or belief about ourselves or others that is typically negative and holds us back in different aspects of our lives. A limiting belief in a relationship might sound like, “I have to be perfect to deserve love,” “I’ll never be loved the way I really want,” or “If I’m vulnerable with my partner, they won’t accept or love me anymore.” Beliefs like these will only heighten your anxiety whenever you think about taking a risk in your relationship to grow deeper with your partner and rely on them more emotionally. These limiting beliefs take an even deeper root when we only look for evidence to support them and never look for evidence to disprove them.
Overthinking and Catastrophic Thinking
If you are prone to anxiety, you will also notice anxiety patterns in your relationship. Anxiety may cause you to overthink small interactions, worry about the big consequences, and dwell on imagined worst-case scenarios. You may frequently ask yourself questions like, “What does it mean that they turned away from me at that moment?”, “Does my partner still love me?” or “Can I be with someone like this forever?” Overthinking patterns like this are perpetuated when you keep these fears and thoughts in your head instead of sharing them with trusted others to be processed, comforted, or challenged.
Doubting long-term compatibility or relationship sustainability
If you are prone to anxiety, you will also notice anxiety patterns in your relationship. Anxiety may cause you to overthink small interactions, worry about the big consequences, and dwell on imagined worst-case scenarios. You may frequently ask yourself questions like, “What does it mean that they turned away from me at that moment?”, “Does my partner still love me?” or “Can I be with someone like this forever?” Overthinking patterns like this are perpetuated when you keep these fears and thoughts in your head instead of sharing them with trusted others to be processed, comforted, or challenged.
So what do I do now?
Stay curious! You may feel your anxiety is working against you and your relationship, but your anxiety is a part of you. Instead of ignoring or stuffing it down, try making space for it. Even the anxiety patterns that feel the least helpful can give you essential information about your past, the relationships that have shaped you, and all the parts of you that need compassion, comfort, and healing. Ask more questions to understand what your real fear is at the moment. Then decide if the fear is true or helpful to you in the moment. How much evidence do you have for and against the fear? Is believing the fear keeping you safe, or is it just limiting you from growing in your relationship? What would be more helpful for you to believe in this moment?
Once you’ve decided if you should believe the fear or not, choose how you want to respond to it. Would you like to explore ways to move forward in your relationship while you’re feeling anxious? Here are some things you can try:
- Use a coping skill to soothe your anxiety and interrupt the anxiety cycle.
- Challenge the thought and weigh the evidence for or against the thought using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
- Reflect on what your relationship might need to give you more confidence in its long-term success.
- Practice vulnerable communication with your partner about your real worries and needs.
Need more help?
Reach out to us at In Session Psych to explore your relationship anxiety and find new ways to soothe your anxiety, validate your legitimate fears, and challenge the fears that are limiting you from feeling secure in yourself and your relationships.