When women are lifted and supported, they transform entire communities. That’s what Melinda Gates reminded us in her conversation with Brené Brown on Unlocking Us, a truth that’s both timeless and deeply urgent.
But that kind of transformation isn’t possible when women are exhausted, overwhelmed, and undervalued.
For many women today, the pressure to be selfless has become a source of chronic stress. Whether you’re caregiving, managing a household, navigating a demanding job—or all three—the emotional weight and mental load can feel relentless. Women still make up the majority of the healthcare workforce and continue to carry a disproportionate share of unpaid labor at home, from childcare to mental load. It’s no wonder that burnout, disconnection, and resentment have become so common. And yet, if you’re feeling depleted, joyless, or constantly putting yourself last—you’re not alone.
You’ve likely been told that being everything to everyone is what makes you valuable. And here’s a truth that might feel radical:
Being “selfish” might actually save your mental health.
In this post, we’ll explore what “being selfish” really means—and how you can begin reconnecting with your needs, your boundaries, and your sense of self.
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.
Let’s reclaim the word “selfish.” It doesn’t mean rude; it means self-respecting. Being selfish might look like saying no to things that drain you, choosing your own joy even when it disappoints others, or giving yourself permission to rest without guilt. It might mean exploring your interests even when they don’t align with what others expect from you. These are not acts of rebellion—they’re acts of self-trust.
Author Glennon Doyle says it best:
“Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.”
How to start being selfish (in a healthy way)
Love yourself on purpose
Many women grow up learning that their value comes from how well they care for others. Yet, over time, that narrative can chip away at your sense of identity. You begin to mold yourself to fit what others expect, and in doing so, you lose sight of what you want, need, and deserve. People liking you is not better than you liking, or even better, loving yourself.
Loving yourself means accepting who you are, where you are—in the mess and the momentum, in your strength and your struggle. It means being kind to yourself when you fall short and trusting you’ll make the right decision for you when faced with hard choices. It means choosing relationships that affirm your worth, rather than requiring you to prove it.
Protect your energy
Not all rest is created equal. A scroll break might be easy, but it rarely brings the kind of restoration you need. It numbs your experience, or worse, sends you into a spiral of comparison and inferiority, instead of fulfilling you and bringing you true rest.
Start paying attention to what truly fills your cup. Maybe it’s movement. Maybe it’s stillness. Maybe it’s setting boundaries and stepping away from your family for a few hours to do something that feels like you. Needing a break from family doesn’t mean that you love them any less; it actually allows you to love them more wholeheartedly.
That doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human.
You don’t need to explain or earn your rest. You just need to honor it. And yes—you are allowed to protect time just for yourself.
Feel all your feelings
Happiness isn’t the only acceptable (and valuable) emotion. You’re allowed to feel angry, overwhelmed, envious, or heartbroken. These emotions are part of the human experience, and they each carry an important message. Being able to experience a full range of so-called “negative” emotions also means that you can experience a fuller range of “positive” emotions.
Anger might be pointing to a boundary that needs reinforcing. Grief might be highlighting what deeply matters to you. Even boredom can signal a need for change or re-engagement.
Glennon Doyle once said, “Why do I cry so often? For the same reason I laugh so often—I’m paying attention.” You don’t need to numb your emotions. You can learn from them.
Lean into community
It can feel like you’re the only one struggling with anxiety, stress, overwhelm, or loneliness.. But the truth is, so many women are carrying similar burdens—often in silence.
Remember, vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s one of the strongest tools we have to connect more with ourselves and with the people around us.
When you allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest, you create space for others to meet you there. This kind of connection can be healing. It reminds you that you’re not alone. That what you’re feeling is real. That you matter.
TLDR: Being “selfish” might change everything…for the better.
Being selfish, loving yourself, protecting your energy, and feeling your full emotional life isn’t a detour from being a good woman. It is the path to being a whole one.
You deserve more than burnout and overwhelm. You deserve to be selfish.
If you’re interested in individual therapy, we have availability for in-person sessions at our Charlotte, NC office or virtually for residents of NC and SC.