My client sits on the couch across from me with a pained expression. She and her partner just had another fight where his anger scared and belittled her. When this situation happened not long ago, she promised herself she would leave if it ever happened again. But she confesses today that when she started packing her bag, she was overwhelmed by emotion, doubt, confusion, and shame. She lost her nerve and, again, stayed in her toxic relationship.
My client’s story is sadly familiar, and I deeply understand her dilemma when she gets close to leaving. Many people in toxic relationships deeply want to leave—but still find themselves staying. Emotional manipulation, trauma bonding, and shame-based beliefs can keep someone in a loop of hope and disappointment. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
As therapists, we see this stuck cycle often. There’s usually a long pause between realizing a relationship is unhealthy and finding the clarity and resources to leave it. This article explores why you may feel trapped in a toxic relationship, what psychological dynamics might be at play, and the steps can help you move toward healing.
A note about domestic abuse
Jane Clayborne, director of community relations at James House shelter for victims of domestic violence, shares that, “On average, it takes a woman seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good.”
This article is designed to help support individuals in emotionally toxic relationships, not individuals who are experiencing physical violence from their intimate partner. If you are experiencing domestic abuse, physical abuse, or violence of any kind from your intimate partner, help is available.
-
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
-
Text START to 88788
-
Chat https://www.thehotline.org/
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is the first step to setting boundaries and reclaiming your sense of self. Emotional abuse, manipulation, control, and a persistent sense of anxiety or self-doubt are all signs that the relationship may be doing more harm than good.
The broad signs of a toxic relationship may look different from relationship to relationship. As you evaluate your own relationship, pay attention to how these signs may show up — the consistency, intensity, and consequences to you and your mental health.
Toxic relationships often involve:
- Gaslighting, belittling, or guilting
- Cycles of emotional highs (like love bombing) followed by crashes
- Isolation from family or friends
- Active addiction, betrayal, or lying
- Persistent unhappiness or walking on eggshells
Toxic relationships can trigger long-held negative core beliefs or patterns of codependency that you’ve carried with you since you were young. Long-term toxic relationships can often lead to depression, low self-worth, and disempowerment. These patterns can activate trauma bonding or long-standing beliefs formed in childhood—like “I have to earn love” or “being alone means I’ve failed.”
Before you can make a change, you need to understand why it feels so hard to leave.
5 reasons why you’re stuck in a toxic relationship
If you want to leave your toxic relationship but feel stuck, here are five things that may be happening for you.
1. Unprocessed fear
Fear can be a powerful barrier to just about anything. Unprocessed fear is incredibly challenging if you have yet to explore what you’re afraid of. You may have noticed your body feels overwhelmed or panicky — an unmistakable urge to avoid doing the thing you’re afraid of doing. Yet, if you don’t spend the time to understand your fear, you can’t understand what you’ll need to soothe your fear and ultimately do the hard thing.
Leaving a relationship brings up fears—of being alone, hurting your partner, or not finding someone else. Often, this fear activates your nervous system and makes logical decision-making difficult.
Ask yourself: What do I fear most about leaving? Identifying your fear gives you insight into what internal or external support you may need. Once you narrow it down, you can identify which resources you’ll need more of to ease your fear and move forward with your goal.
2. Patterns of manipulation
Toxic relationships often involve manipulation, gaslighting, control, guilt-tripping, or love bombing. These patterns create confusion, leaving the manipulated partner unsure of how to feel or what to do next. Naturally, with a cycle of love bombing and a new honeymoon period after every fight, it will be hard to decide whether the toxic relationship is worth leaving.
A cycle of gaslighting and guilt-tripping may also give you false hope and a false sense of control. This cycle is especially difficult if you feel hopeless and powerless. You may think that if you just make the changes your partner is asking for, you may be able to have a healthier relationship after all.
When your partner uses emotional manipulation and plays on your insecurities, they can significantly damage your self-esteem. Their manipulation can make you feel like you won’t be able to find a new partner to love you — that it is better to stay in an unhealthy relationship than to be alone. It’s essential to identify toxic, manipulative patterns in the moment.
When you recognize these emotional abuse cycles, you regain a sense of agency. You can begin separating your identity and worth from the relationship dynamic.
3. Low self-esteem
When you’ve been isolated or belittled by a partner, your sense of worth and capability suffers. You may begin to believe you deserve the way you’re being treated, or that no one else would want you. This is where codependency often begins: you rely on your partner for your sense of self.
A toxic relationship can isolate you from other meaningful relationships and communities. Because of this isolation, your romantic partner often becomes your only mirror for how you see and think about yourself. And if your partner is treating you poorly, it is natural to believe you deserve this poor treatment. This self-fulfilling prophecy could be especially apparent if you began the relationship with an unstable self-image.
Low self-esteem may also present as limiting beliefs like, “I can’t stand up for myself — I don’t know how” or “If I were more ______, they wouldn’t feel this way or treat me this way.” Once these beliefs are triggered and take root, it’s easier to look for more and more evidence for why they’re true and not look for all of the reasons they’re not true.
Give yourself the compassion and support you deserve by looking for and confirming the reasons you are capable, worthy, smart, and strong. Spend time reflecting on the things about yourself that you’re most proud of. Invest your time in things and people that strengthen your confidence and admirable qualities.
Rebuilding self-worth takes time, but it starts with small reminders of your strength, value, and autonomy. Affirmations, supportive friendships, and therapy are all powerful tools.
4. Toxic shame and nervous system shutdown
Brené Brown defines toxic shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
Toxic shame makes you believe you’re broken or unworthy of love. This belief can override logic and convince you that staying in the relationship is safer than facing rejection, judgment, or failure. This shame can dysregulate your nervous system, putting you in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. In this state, long-term planning—like leaving—can feel impossible.
Shame develops a narrative that you are unworthy of love and belonging. This narrative can convince you that your toxic relationship is your best chance of being happy, even though you want out. Shame is not just intensely painful, but it also triggers the fight-flight-freeze response and can shut down your nervous system. The shame can also ramp up your nervous system, making you want to fight back. This fight may materialize in unproductive cycles of toxicity instead of finding solutions or working on an exit strategy.
Because shame can impact your body, start to notice when its sensations are present. Focus on restoring calm to your nervous system to remind yourself there is more to the narrative. While imperfect, you are worthy of genuine care, kindness, support, and healthy love.
5. Toxic relationship cycle
Toxic relationships are not bad all the time. Some parts of the cycle are positive, caring, and fun, mimicking a “honeymoon” period. During the honeymoon period, your partner may be remorseful, loving, and attentive to your needs. Your toxic relationship may also have “neutral” periods, where things aren’t great, but you find yourself in a familiar and safe routine.
Often, individuals will tell themselves that they will leave their relationship when things get toxic again or their partner has another episode. Some feel unjustified leaving their relationship when things are “good,” despite having little to no hope that the relationship is in a sustainably healthy place. The problem with this strategy is that you can’t predict how your nervous system or partner will react during the next toxic cycle.
You may be filled with shame and shut down again, leaving you with no motivation or energy to leave. Or, your nervous system may help you communicate your anger and stand up for yourself in a healthy way. Yet, your partner may trigger the next part of the cycle where they act remorseful and promise to change. The next part of the cycle creates an emotional response that can deplete your desire and motivation to leave again. This is where trauma bonding often cements itself, making the relationship feel inescapable.
If toxic dynamics are familiar—because of past relationships or family history—it can be hard to recognize what a healthy, respectful partnership even looks like.
How to get out of a toxic relationship
Breaking free from a toxic relationship requires courage and a clear strategy to empower yourself. You can take control of your life instead of allowing the relationship to dictate your emotional state and well-being. Here are several steps to help you reclaim your clarity, strength, and sense of self:
Restore your calm
Spend time in a quiet and relaxing space where you can reflect on your desires and goals. This self-reflection is crucial for understanding what you truly want out of life and your relationships. Prioritize daily routines that promote rest, connection, and self-care.
Reconnect with safe people and environments
Surround yourself with friends, family, or support groups who create a sense of safety and belonging. Engaging with supportive people and places can provide perspective and reduce feelings of isolation. They can help you rebuild trust in your ability to connect with others outside of the toxic dynamics.
Build a support system
Invest time in relationships that uplift you and provide encouragement. Nurture friendships and familial ties that remind you of your worth and strength. This support will be invaluable as you consider leaving a toxic situation.
Sharpen your emotional regulation skills
Learning how to manage your emotions is vital when dealing with the chaos of a toxic relationship. Engage in practices such as mindfulness, meditation, or journaling to help you recognize and process your feelings. Emotional regulation skills will empower you to respond to situations more calmly and effectively.
Set and enforce your boundaries
Understand what you need to feel safe and respected in your relationships. Clearly defining your needs allows you to communicate them to your partner and set healthy boundaries. Establishing limits can protect your emotional well-being and reinforce your self-worth.
Explore resources for leaving
If you’ve decided to leave your current relationship, don’t hesitate to seek resources that can aid in your transition. This could include hotlines, shelters, or counseling services that specialize in helping individuals escape abusive situations. Prepare a safety plan if necessary, ensuring you have access to financial and emotional support systems.
Connect with a therapist who understands emotional abuse
Talking with a therapist who understands emotional abuse can be transformative. A professional can help you process your experiences, validate your feelings, and provide tools to navigate your situation. They can guide you in developing coping strategies and strengthening your emotional resilience.
Taking these steps may not be easy, but each one contributes to your journey toward healing and self-empowerment. Remember, you deserve a relationship that nurtures your well-being and allows you to thrive.
You can heal from a toxic relationship.
If you’re wondering why you can’t leave a relationship that’s hurting you—know that the answer isn’t weakness. It’s likely layered in emotional patterns that can be untangled. Healing begins with awareness, support, and the right tools.
If you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, therapy can help. Our therapists can help you identify and address the issues in your toxic relationship. We have availability for in-person therapy sessions at our Charlotte, NC office or virtually for residents of NC and SC.