Last Updated on March 8, 2025
If you and your significant other are stuck in repetitive and unhealthy cycles and you’re both on very different pages about a solution, it’s natural to feel alone and overwhelmed. For some, couples therapy or individual therapy may be a natural choice, but a lot of people still have big hangups about seeking any kind of therapy.
This conflicting dynamic—one partner is all in on therapy while the other isn’t — is quite common. And while we can’t promise that your partner will come around to therapy, we’ve pulled together some key insights and advice on how you can handle these challenging discussions.
Unfortunately, therapy can still carry stigma.
When seeking therapy, many may feel hesitant or skeptical about its benefits. This reluctance can stem from personal beliefs, past experiences, or the fear of vulnerability.
Your partner may have had a bad experience with therapy in the past. They might have preconceived judgments about the kind of person who goes to therapy. Your significant other may see therapy as a weakness or just may not understand what really happens during therapy. Fear may be the underlying emotion instead of defensiveness, reluctance, or arrogance.
So, if you’re the partner who sees counseling as your best hope to resolve your shared problems, what do you do when your partner refuses therapy?
Step 1: Start with curiosity.
Before giving unsolicited advice or getting angry, slow down and listen to your partner to better understand their reasons for not wanting to go to therapy. It’s tempting to tell your partner what to do. We do this believing we’re being supportive, loving, or helpful when we’re instead giving them advice out of a place of judgment. When you ask thoughtful, curious questions, and genuinely want to know the answers, it gives your partner the chance to reflect and feel empowered to make changes on their own.
What you might say…
“Can you help me understand your thoughts and hesitations about starting therapy? This is important to me and I know I can get heated when we talk about it, but I want you to know that your thoughts are just as important as mine. I really want to understand where you’re coming from.”
Step 2: Remain calm and supportive
How often are we actually making suggestions during calm, connected moments? If you’re like most, it’s not often. Conversations like “Why won’t you go to therapy?” are often initiated due to emotional triggers. It’s no surprise that these conversations turn into heated argument cycles where it becomes difficult to hear or understand past each of your defensive walls.
Slow down, calm your body, and then work to validate what your partner shared through a stress-reducing conversation. You may not agree with everything your partner said, but there is always something understandable and acceptable to discuss. If you haven’t found it yet, keep being curious and ask good questions.
What you might say…
“I can definitely understand that. It makes sense that you’re struggling to challenge beliefs that you grew up with, especially when some personal experiences reinforce them. Can you also understand how I’ve learned to think and believe about therapy?”
Step 3: Be honest and clear about your concerns
Let your partner know why you think they could use some support. Remember to stay present with your personal experience and fears. When you express vulnerability, you encourage your partner to be vulnerable too. Explain with concrete examples how you feel going to therapy would benefit them, you, and your relationship. Connect it to a change you know they would enjoy. You can help your partner envision how therapy can have a positive impact, leading to less conflict, more joy, peace, deeper understanding, and commitment.
It is also important to share with them vulnerably in a non-critical way what it would mean to you if they were to continue to refuse to consider therapy. Invite them to understand how alone, discouraged, and hopeless you might feel about resolving your issues and your larger feelings toward your partner and the relationship.
What you might say…
“When we get into these cycles, I feel so disconnected from you and scared about what it means for our future. I want to figure this out with you, but I think we need help. When we argued the other night, I noticed you shut down and I didn’t know how to reach you after that with anything I said. I want to understand why that happens so I feel less helpless and we feel more connected. I believe working with a therapist can help us with that.”
Step 4: Be open to alternatives
Your partner may not be ready to consider therapy right now, or it might not be a viable option for them due to finances, time, therapist availability, etc. However, if you are craving deeper understanding and connection, therapy is not the only option.
- Do some research and be open to trying something like a weekend retreat or online workshop.
- Set aside specific and protected time each week to check in with each other’s thoughts, feelings, dreams, etc.
- Committing to reading a book or listening to a podcast or speaker together on a relevant topic to your relationship can also stimulate growth.
So much can be gained just from these small changes.
What you might say…
“I hear you when you say that therapy isn’t an option right now. Even though that makes me sad, I respect your needs and won’t push the issue. I still have an important need from you though. I need to feel more connected to you and to feel that growing our relationship is a priority for you. Will you commit to exploring other ways to reconnect and work on our challenges together?”
Step 5: Lead by example and then report back
If you are already in therapy or have been in the past, consider sharing more about your journey in therapy with your partner. Share your personal perspective about what happens in therapy, the emotions you process, skills you learn, insights you gain, and the parts of you that experience validation and healing. This helps to remove the fear of the unknown and visualize how they could benefit from therapy.
When you lead by example and report back, it allows your partner to understand you more deeply and potentially trigger their own self-reflection. If you can relate to anything they shared about what’s holding them back, share how you worked through the same things.
What you might say…
“I remember feeling the same way before I started therapy. I didn’t tell anyone because I worried they would judge me, but trying to figure things out alone wasn’t working. Initially, I struggled to trust the process, but once I opened up to my therapist, we explored the experiences that shaped my thoughts, feelings, and relationships. Through the process, I discovered what self-care means to me, gained a fresh perspective, and learned new ways to connect with others.”
Step 6: Use your discernment
There is a significant difference between your partner refusing therapy and refusing to acknowledge your needs or work on your relationship. Being in a relationship with someone who has different perspectives, life experiences, belief systems, and cultural influences is one thing; it’s another to be with someone who imposes those belief systems on you. This could manifest as your partner demeaning or invalidating your therapy journey, controlling, manipulating, or gaslighting you, or simply ignoring and neglecting your legitimate needs.
If you’re telling yourself that you have to accept this situation while you are clearly suffering, you are neglecting your own needs. You cannot change your partner, but you can be honest about your needs and take the necessary steps to prioritize your health and well-being.*
*You should also seek to be discerning about when not to recommend therapy to your partner. If your partner is abusive in any way, giving them advice could be triggering to them and could put you in harm’s way. Seek external, expert support to create a safety plan. You can speak with expert support members today by calling the 24/7 Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
*If your partner is suffering from a severe mental health disorder or episode, they may need a stronger intervention. Seek expert advice before you make this decision from the National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline at 1-800-950-6264.
Therapy is a journey, not a destination.
These conversations can be painful and often feel like they’re not going anywhere. Think of it like sowing seeds—your partner might need more time to process and reflect before they’re ready to grow with you. Continue practicing openness and endurance because you can still connect with your partner and get to know each other more deeply when problems like this remain unresolved. Connection, understanding, and acceptance can be the new goal rather than getting your way.
If and when you or your partner are ready to make an appointment, we would love to support for you. We offer both couples and individual counseling that can help you navigate whatever struggles you’re facing.
We are available for in-person sessions at our Charlotte, NC office or virtually for residents of NC and SC. If you’re in need of couples therapy, our Connect Couples Therapy practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ, and virtual sessions for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, or Texas.