Last Updated on February 19, 2025
Dear Therapist,
My husband had an affair, and I can’t shake the feeling that everything has been so broken that it can never be put back together again. I feel so lost and trapped in my pain. Will it ever get better?
I find myself constantly wanting to check his phone or his location, and I can’t stop worrying that I’m just not enough for him. Will I ever be able to trust him again? Will I ever stop feeling like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop or that if I’m not perfect, he’ll cheat again?
He’s been putting in so much work, going to couples therapy with me, and giving me so much reassurance that despite this huge betrayal, he wants to be with only me. I want to believe things can heal, but right now, I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle of doubt and pain. Can you give me hope that there really can be a way out of this?
Sincerely,
Stuck in The Bad Place
**********
Dear Stuck in The Bad Place,
I know you’re in the middle of one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to face. Deciding to stay with your husband after his affair was a choice that didn’t come lightly, and I want to acknowledge how brave and strong you are for walking this difficult path. I also know there’s a question weighing on your heart right now: Will things ever really get easier? Can life, love, and trust truly be rebuilt?
The answer is yes—eventually, with time, patience, and effort, you and your relationship can heal. But that doesn’t mean the journey is simple. It means you’ll be walking through the fire for a while, and you’re right—it often feels like “The Bad Place.” But I have seen many couples come out stronger, with a deeper, richer, and more authentic relationship than before. There are three things I want you to keep top of mind as you understand your pain and recover from the affair.
1. It takes time to restore trust after infidelity.
I won’t sugarcoat it—rebuilding trust is hard. The urge to check his phone, his location, or constantly seek reassurance might still be there. And that’s okay for now. Trust doesn’t heal in an instant. But here’s the good news: with time, consistency, transparency, attunement, and responsiveness to your needs and boundaries, you can rebuild trust.
Over time, as your husband becomes more open, communicative, and consistently accountable for his actions, the compulsion to check his every move will begin to fade. I’ve had clients describe this as truly surprising to them – that the compulsion could just fade away after feeling so strong for so long. But when you’re getting what you need, there is no need to double-check.
It’s about co-creating a space where you feel safe again, where he doesn’t just tell you he’s trustworthy but shows his trustworthiness every single day. He will be there, proving his words with his actions: sharing more openly, communicating honestly, and offering more emotional availability to meet your needs. As you start to see this, it’ll get easier to trust—not because you want to, but because his behavior will prove it’s safe to.
2. Remember your worth: You are enough.
I hear you struggling with questions of your own worth. Was I not enough? What does this say about me that I could be hurt so easily? It’s important to hear this loud and clear: His affair was about him, not you. His choices reflected his shortcomings, his confusion, fear, and shame, his addictions and compulsions, and his failure to align himself with his values — not your inadequacy.
You are worthy of love, respect, and someone who treats you with care. Rebuilding your self-esteem starts with this understanding: You didn’t cause this. And while your infidelity recovery may involve rebuilding confidence in yourself, it will come—not through perfection, but through rediscovering your inner strength.
Despite the uncertainties that lie ahead, you can do hard things and rise to any challenge. You will find a way to be okay. Prioritize self-care, engage in things that make you feel whole, and remember that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for your healing.
I can see how much pressure you feel to be perfect. There is a false hope in the idea of perfection: “If I just continue to perform the role of the perfect wife, maybe then I will truly be safe from this pain, maybe then he’ll never have a reason to cheat on me again.” You are allowed to feel hurt, share your hurt, ask for reassurance, set needed boundaries, communicate your anger, and just be human.
As Brené Brown has said, “You are imperfect and wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” The idea that you need to be perfect to protect yourself from more pain is a myth. Recovering from the affair means giving yourself permission to be imperfect, to mess up sometimes, and still rest in the knowledge that you are worthy of love and that nothing you’ve done has ever caused or deserved the pain you’re feeling.
Rather than trying to shield yourself entirely, learn to accept your vulnerability. You don’t have to avoid pain or fear to protect your heart. Remember, you can accept the uncertainty of the future. You have more strength than you know. You’re doing more than you realize just by showing up and facing each day with courage.
3. You have a future worth fighting for.
This new chapter of your relationship may not look like the one you had before, and that’s okay. It can be better. With time and active commitment to change and growing together, the relationship can become more emotionally intimate, open, and connected than before. You can feel more seen and heard, more trusting that you can work through anything together, more open to listening and understanding, and more oriented toward investing everything you can into the relationship.
Things like checking in emotionally with each other, spending quality time, and having vulnerable conversations will become the foundation of your bond. You’ll start to feel emotionally safe again, which will help you trust not just your husband but also the love in your relationship.
Here’s how this future might unfold.
- You both continue to invest in couples and individual therapy.
- You each seek support, such as joining support groups or talking to others who understand the complexities of healing from betrayal, so you don’t feel isolated in the journey.
- You both gain a deeper understanding of what led to this betrayal.
- You each work on strengthening your contributions to the relationship to create a more resilient partnership and richer connection.
- You learn how to support each other through these changes, recognizing that healing requires effort from both sides.
- You begin the path to forgiveness, knowing that this doesn’t mean you have to forget or dismiss the hurt.
- You continue to share openly about your triggers, pain, and needs, and your partner becomes more empathetic, validating, and responsive as you navigate healing together.
As you both heal, you’ll gain confidence in expressing your thoughts and feelings. You can hold your husband accountable for the changes he has committed to making. You’ll approach this with a sense of calm, knowing that he genuinely wants to change and keeps track of his own progress. Through his actions, he will continue to show that he deserves your trust.
Even during difficult moments, you will both find a way to embrace hope—hope that things can truly be different, change is possible, and the love you have shared can grow into something even stronger.
You can heal and rebuild a life after an affair.
This path will not always be easy. There will be days when you feel tired, defeated, or unsure if it’s all worth it. But I promise you—if you both stay committed to doing the work, you can create a future that’s stronger than the past. Your relationship can honor the pain and healing from this experience.
Ultimately, it’s not about forgetting what happened but how you choose to move forward. And if you decide to stay, you’ll have a relationship that is not only rebuilt but reimagined. You’ll have a partnership where trust is earned, love is deepened, and you and your husband are committed to being better together.
Please remember you are worthy of this healing. You are worthy of this work. And your love is strong enough to create something new—something better.
If you’re interested in individual therapy, we offer in-person sessions at our Charlotte, NC office or virtual sessions for residents of NC and SC.