Dear Therapist,
My wife recently told me she doesn’t feel very connected in our relationship—and that she’d like us to be more connected. I care deeply about her and I want to show up in a way that feels meaningful, but I’m not sure what she’s really asking for.
I try to help around the house and ask about her day, but I’m realizing that maybe I’m missing something bigger. We have two little kids (3 and 6), and we’re both constantly exhausted… and our date nights have fallen off, too.
I want to understand what she’s really asking for so I can show up in a way that feels meaningful to her. How do I build emotional connection in a long-term relationship when life feels nonstop, and we’re running on fumes?
Sincerely,
Confused but Caring
Dear Confused but Caring,
I hear and appreciate the openness in your question. It’s clear you care about your wife and your relationship, and you’re trying to understand her in a new way. That alone says a lot about the kind of partner you are.
Many people in long-term relationships hit this same crossroads, especially once kids are in the picture. The desire for connection stays just as important, but the time and energy to nurture it suddenly feel much harder to find.
When your wife says she wants “more connection,” she’s probably not asking for weekly grand gestures. Most of the time, connection simply means feeling emotionally close — that warm sense of “we’re in this together, and you really see me.” It’s built through little moments of focused attention, genuine interest, and simple, everyday affection.
What does “more connection” actually mean?
When connection gets neglected, even accidentally, partners can start feeling lonely or a little unsure of their place in the relationship. But the good news is that reconnection doesn’t require a huge overhaul. Small intentional gestures, repeated with warmth, can make a meaningful difference surprisingly fast. Relationship researchers and love experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe it as “turning toward” one another: noticing the little bids for attention or affection that happen throughout the day and responding with interest.
It’s less about the size of the gesture and more about the consistency of the message: “I’m here. You’re important to me.”
David Brooks takes this concept further with the power of “illumination.” In his book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others and Being Deeply Seen, Brooks describes illuminating someone as not just noticing them on the surface, but deeply seeing who they are. Illuminators ask the kinds of questions that make someone feel interesting, not interrogated. They bring curiosity instead of criticism, and warmth instead of evaluation.
That’s really what connection is about. When partners feel illuminated by each other, even for a few minutes at a time, the relationship feels alive again.
To do so, Brooks advises shining a gentle light on their inner world, not to judge it or fix it, but to notice it. When someone experiences that from their partner, it often feels like, “Wow. You still see me. I’m not invisible in the craziness of our life.”
Real-life ways to reconnect
Illuminating your partner can be simple. You might say:
- “Tell me more about that.”
- “How did that meeting/project end up going?”
- “Hey, what’s going on in there?” (when you sense a mood shift)
- “I didn’t realize that was so important to you. Thank you for sharing.”
These aren’t grand declarations. They’re soft signals that say: I’m tuned into your world. You’re making room for the other person to be a full human being, not just a co-parent or logistical teammate.
And you don’t need to become a therapist or start having long, deep talks every night. What matters more is how you pay attention. When your partner tells you something, slow down, lean in, and respond with genuine interest. Even a short moment of attunement can help your partner feel seen.
Tiny rituals, huge impact
It’s also worth saying: connection isn’t about doing more in a quantitative sense. The Gottmans have researched couples for decades, and their findings are really clear:
Small moments of intentional connection, repeated regularly, do far more for a relationship than big romantic gestures done occasionally.
The Gottmans recommend building “rituals of connection” into your day. These are just small, predictable moments where you come together on purpose. These might look like:
- A real hug when you both get home
- Sitting down with coffee before the day starts
- A weekly walk around the block
- Debriefing the show you watched after the kids go to bed
These rituals don’t need to be long or complicated; they just need to be intentional. Their power lies in their predictability and presence. They reinforce that connection isn’t random or only for when you’re rested—it’s something you make space for because your relationship matters.
Even a brief moment of appreciation can go a long way:
- “Thank you for how patient you were with the kids tonight.”
- “I noticed how you handled dinner solo—I appreciated that.”
Or try the Gottmans’ six-second kiss. Shifting from a sweet peck to a longer, more intentional kiss signals to your partner, “I’m slowing down for you. You matter to me.” Couples who practice this regularly often report feeling more affectionate and emotionally attuned, even if nothing else in their schedule changes.
It’s a small shift that says: I’m slowing down for you. You matter to me.
Connection isn’t about perfection
You might be surprised by how much impact these gentle practices can have. The key is not perfection or intensity, but frequency. Gentle consistency wins over rare intensity every time.
Emotional connection is built through small things, done often.
The feeling your wife is longing for—to be seen, valued, and chosen—is something you are absolutely capable of offering. You just have to sprinkle more intentional warmth into the moments you already have. And it doesn’t take more time; it just takes more presence.
Warmly,
Anna Malles, LCSW