Giving your kids the talk is high on the list of “most dreaded conversations” for parents or caregivers. Some dread it so much they avoid it altogether. However, it’s proven that comprehensive sex education reduces unwanted pregnancies and STIs and reduces sexual activity overall. Unfortunately, we can’t entirely rely on the sex ed taught (or not taught) in schools. Therefore, it’s up to the parents and caregivers to ensure our young people are properly informed about sexuality and sex.
Note: This blog post is the first in the “How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex” series. It serves as a general overview of why it’s important, what to say, and when to say it. Future blog posts in this series will break down the specifics by age and stage.
Calling it “the talk” is misleading
First, the talk is not one big conversation—it’s several smaller conversations. Despite this reality, many parents feel less than comfortable broaching the subject of sex more than once (if at all). Yet bite-sized chats will help your kiddo retain more information than if you were to present an hour-long lecture. Plan on teaching age-appropriate information and skills throughout their upbringing to prepare them for smart decision-making.
To further support the notion of having multiple talks about sex and sexuality, know this: the more you talk about it with them, the more likely they will be to talk about it with you. Opening the conversation encourages your kids to bring up any questions or concerns they might be keeping to themselves. If you’ve already brought up the topic, that’s one less obstacle for them to confide in you. You want your child to feel comfortable bringing their questions to you because the alternative options are often unsafe and inaccurate.
Another reason its colloquial nickname is misleading is that “the talk” signifies that there is one big thing to talk about. You’re teaching your child about sexuality, not just sex. Sexuality encompasses much more than intercourse alone; it includes sexual health, consent, family structures, communication, gender expression, and body image, to name a few. It affects a person’s physical, mental, and emotional health and social experiences. A lot of information requires lots of conversations.
When and what to teach your kids about sex
So many parents wonder: “What age should you start talking to your kids about sex?” Because it’s an ongoing conversation about sexuality (not just sex), it’s never too early (or too late) to start. Below is a broad guide for when to discuss some key topics. You will notice some repeats; you want to build upon your previous lessons, adding age-appropriate detail.
*This is not an exhaustive list of topics you should cover. These are general basics. Future blog posts will delve into more detail.
Birth–3 years old
- Consent and boundaries
- External body parts and hygiene
- Body autonomy
- Gender
3–6 years old
- Consent and boundaries
- Differences between bodies (and that it’s okay to have differences)
- Family structures
- Healthy friendships
- Body autonomy
- Privacy
6–8 years old
- Consent and boundaries
- Internal body parts (bowels, bladder, uterus, ovaries)
- Pleasure (adults have sex; masturbation is a private bedroom event)
- Puberty and hygiene
- Sexual orientation and identity
- Cyber safety
9–12 years old
- Consent and boundaries
- Puberty and hygiene (if not already addressed)
- Healthy dating and relationships
- Pornography
- Intro to safe sex practices (basic STI and pregnancy prevention info)
- Body image
- Cyber safety
13–16 years old
- Consent and boundaries
- Safe sex practices (more in-depth STIs, pregnancy, birth control)
- Difference between love and lust (sexual attraction)
- Body image
- Cyber safety
16–18 years old
- Keep your line of communication open by having regular check-ins
- Revisit topics as needed
Consent and boundaries are arguably the most important lessons, so they’re always worth mentioning again, especially in high school, when students should understand the legalities of consent. Since the internet and technology are constantly evolving, be sure to self-educate about the safest practices to protect your child from cyberbullying and coercion.
Three tips for talking to your kids about sexuality and sex
Be thoughtful about the language you use.
Use unassuming language to avoid accidentally causing shame. Instead of “Do you think any boys are cute in your class?” try “Do you think anyone is cute in your class?” This will help your kid feel more welcome to bring their questions and concerns to you.
Relax and deliver the facts.
Giving the talk(s) is notoriously awkward, but it doesn’t have to be! Kids are incredibly emotionally intelligent, and they can easily sense how you are feeling. How do you stay chill about it? Take a moment to consider that you are giving them an education to keep them safe and make good decisions.
You’re teaching them facts, so deliver the information matter-of-factly. Don’t make a big deal out of it. When you have their uninterrupted attention, say what you want to say. Ask them to repeat the main takeaways and whether they have any questions. Let them know that they can always talk to you about it. That’s it!
Be a role model—your kids are watching!
Children are constantly learning how to act, what to say, and what to do simply by observing their caregivers. Consider this when it comes to their sex education.
- How do you and your partner speak to each other in front of your kids?
- How do you respond to a same-sex couple kissing on TV?
- When your child says “no” to their sibling, do you make sure their “no” is respected?
- How do you speak about your own body in front of your kids?
All of these examples are prime teaching opportunities. Be aware of the lessons you give your children in your everyday life.
How to address hard-to-answer questions about sex and sexuality
It can be jarring when your kid asks you a question you aren’t sure how to handle, especially if they ask about something that doesn’t seem age-appropriate. You don’t want to dismiss their question because they will find the answer elsewhere. On the other hand, you don’t want to offer too much information.
Let’s say your 8-year-old asks you what a wet dream is. Respond calmly in an effort not to shame them for asking: “Hmm, interesting question.” A negative or surprised response might discourage them from asking you future questions. Here are some tips for answering our example question:
Ask for the source.
“Where did you hear about wet dreams?”
Knowing where your child learned or heard about the subject will reveal vital parental information. Whether they heard it from a video game, a schoolmate on the bus, or an adult, you will want to know what source is feeding your child this material.
Throw the question back.
“What do you think it means?”
This tip will clue you into your child’s current understanding of the subject. Sometimes, context clues are enough to help them guess. If they can answer it correctly, tell them they’re right, and that’s sometimes the end of it!
Answer the question without extra details.
“Sometimes when a boy is sleeping, wet stuff called ejaculate comes out of his penis.”
While this may seem overly blunt, you don’t need to elaborate. This is especially true for younger children. Give the facts and see how your child responds.
Younger kids (3-5 years old) are often satisfied with a short and simple answer. Older kids, like our example 8-year-old, have more developed brains, so you might have follow-up questions. Continue to answer these questions with simple facts until your child is ready to move on.
When in doubt, seek a professional.
Sex and sexuality aren’t subjects you want to ignore. If you don’t feel comfortable discussing these important topics with your child, you may want to look inward as to why.
There are some great after-school programs (depending on what state you live in) and professional sexuality educators that can assist you. Additionally, there are tons of wonderful resources for parents and caregivers to talk to their children about sex and sexuality. Here are a few:
- Sex Ed Rescue. A website with ample age-specific topics
- Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity by Brook Pessin-Whedbee
- My Body Belongs to Me: How to Talk with Young Children about Personal Boundaries, Respect and Consent by Dr. Elizabeth Schroeder
- It’s Not the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie Harris
- Talking to Your Kids about Sex: A Go Parents! Guide, by Lauri Berkenkamp and Steven Atkins
- Free Your Mind: The Book for Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Youth and Their Allies, by Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman
- Sexuality: Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities, by Karin Melberg Schwier and Dave Hingsburger
Looking for a bit more support? Liz Mallers, our sexuality wellness specialist, is available for virtual or in-person sessions at our Charlotte office. Reach out to learn more.
Additionally, Liz will soon be hosting virtual workshops to help parents learn how to teach their kids about sex and sexuality. Whether you are currently raising a teenager, or you’re a soon-to-be parent, you will gain valuable information that will help you feel more confident in tackling this crucial subject.