Parenting can be both incredibly rewarding and extraordinarily difficult. Many share that one of the hardest parts of parenting is teaching your child about sex and sexuality. Fortunately, with some skills and knowledge, this particular parenting woe isn’t so bad. Part 1 of this blog series covers general tips for how and when to implement sexuality education at home. It also suggests a curriculum, starting with baby years all the way through high school.
This article delves into more detail on how to give these lessons to children aged 6 and under. If you are low-key freaking out about the idea of starting these conversations at such a young age, remember: you are giving age-appropriate detail that you will build upon as they get older. Plus, teaching your kids about safety and sexuality early and often will empower them to stand up to potential predators.
What to teach and how to teach it
Younger kids in this age group are concrete thinkers. They need direct, clear communication. Keeping your statements literal, simple, and consistent will help them catch on faster.
External body parts
“Where’s your nose? Where’s your penis?” Use correct terminology to name the vulva, penis, butt, nipples, and teach your child to do the same. Using the anatomical names for body parts helps to remove shame and empowers your kids to communicate about their bodies accurately.
Kids at this age learn best through their senses. Let them explore their genitals during bathtime or diaper changes. Point out differences between bodies and mention that it’s okay to be different: “Mommy has breasts, and Daddy doesn’t. That’s okay; that’s how we’re made.”
Consent, boundaries, and bodily autonomy
This trifecta topic is arguably the most important lesson for your child to understand. While this concept is quite abstract for kids in younger developmental stages, teaching by example will lay the groundwork for their future understanding. With babies and tots, role modeling is going to be one of the most effective ways to teach.
For example, let’s say your daughter keeps pushing your hands away when you try to pull back her hair. Even if she hasn’t mastered the word “no” yet, she clearly doesn’t consent to getting her hair done. By respecting her boundary (and letting her hair fly free), you are not only teaching her that her “no” holds power but also that the right thing to do is to abide by her “no.” Obviously, you can’t always respect a “no,” especially in dangerous or harmful situations. But when it’s appropriate, ask for your child’s consent to touch their body.
Consent can make for a really tough situation for Grandma if your child doesn’t want to hug her goodbye. Do not force your child to give a hug. That will only teach them to disregard their own discomfort for other people’s pleasure – not a lesson you want them to embody. Hold family members and friends accountable for respecting when someone else doesn’t consent to their touch. If their friend doesn’t want to high-five, that’s a no, and that’s okay.
When your kids are around ages 3 to 4, you can explain that they are the boss of their body. Kids love to have a job, and it’s their job to keep their body safe and comfortable. “If you’re cold, make sure you’re comfortable by putting on socks. If someone touches you and you don’t like it, it’s your job to tell them no.” Practice refusal skills with them: hold up your hands and say “no” loud and clear.
Here’s a big one: there are no secrets about bodies. Secrets are only for presents and surprises, not bodies. Kids need to know that they will never get in trouble for telling a “secret” about bodies.
Privacy
Once your kids reach about age 3, it’s time to teach them about privacy. They have private parts (their genitals), private places (bathroom and bedroom), private time (quiet time), and private behaviors (masturbating, which typically isn’t sexual at this point but rather a self-soothing act). Teach them to respect a closed door.
Gender
Kids begin recognizing the physical differences between males and females around 18-24 months. This is why you want to talk about the physical differences of bodies and impart that these differences are okay. By age 3, they can label themselves as boy or girl. By age 4, most children will have a stable sense of their gender identity.
Most transgender kids will have experienced gender dysphoria by age 7. Because gender identity doesn’t settle in until age 4, consider the language you use. Instead of saying, “You’re such a good girl,” try “You’re such a good kid” to keep it inclusive.
Feelings
Talk to your kids about feelings around ages 3-5. Normalize having feelings, how to cope with them, and help them connect their feelings with their body (i.e. when they’re scared, they might feel tummy ache). Additionally, it is important to help your children practice how to recognize and understand other people’s emotions. Facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice are all indicators of emotions. Remind your kids that they can always talk to you if they feel funny or bad.
Family structures
As kids become more social, they will learn about different family structures. Some kids have two mommies or two daddies, while others may live with one grandparent. Some families have many siblings, while others don’t. Normalizing these differences will decrease the chance of bullying, and teach your children that familial love comes in many forms.
Healthy friendships
What makes a good friend? What makes a bad friend? Why is it bad to tease? What can you do if a friend is getting teased? Learning about friendships helps children piece together the characteristics they build healthy relationships. It sheds light on social behavior, consequences, and empathy, all of which will come into play once they start dating.
Reproduction
Don’t worry. At this age (around 4-6 years old), the reproduction lessons are simply pointing out examples. A sapling is growing where the tree dropped a seed. More dandelions grow after blowing the seeds all around. A bird lays eggs, and chicks hatch. A dog is pregnant with puppies. A human is pregnant with a baby. That’s it!
Cyber safety
Internet safety is a major concern for many parents. Kids around 3 to 6 years of age should know that they might see pictures or videos of naked people. If they do, they should:
- Turn it off or turn away from it.
- Tell you about it.
- They won’t get in trouble.
Have them repeat these steps so they know what to do. That’s all they need to know at this age.
Where do babies come from?
Kids are naturally inquisitive, so you can anticipate some hard-to-answer questions. It’s covered in more detail in Part 1 of this blog series, but here’s a quick recap:
- Ask for the source
- Answer the question without extra detail
- Ask the question back
Don’t avoid the question or lie. Let’s take that dreaded example question, “Where do babies come from?” Kids are not asking about sex here. Remember, they are concrete thinkers. They are literally asking where the baby was before they got here. Consider this answer: babies grow in a special baby bag, called a uterus, inside an adult.
Reach for your resources
It can be tricky and tough to teach your kids about bodily autonomy, consent, and relationships, but you don’t have to do it blindly. There are ample resources at your fingertips. My Body Belongs to Me is an excellent book for teaching about consent and boundaries. Amaze Jr is a site that offers videos and podcasts about sex-positive lessons. You can also read books with your child to provide visual learning.
If you are still hesitant, have concerns, or are stumped by a particular topic when it comes to giving sex education at home, reach out to our sexologist Liz Mallers for expert guidance.