Your spouse wants to separate, and you don’t. The reality of a marriage separation can feel like a heart-wrenching experience. As a therapist, it’s even emotional for me as I walk with my clients through a uniquely painful grief process. When separation is not what you wanted, the fallout can be overwhelming. It can feel like an emotional earthquake, shaking the very foundation of your existence.
Many find the experience of a marriage separation to be similar to a death in that it is the devastating loss of a loved one that often involves unplanned and incredible emotional, physical, mental, and financial distress. Both death and separation evoke deep feelings of loneliness, powerlessness, anger, and trauma.
Clients often share that an unwanted separation or divorce is uniquely complicated. This is due to the experiences of loss of love, rejection, and damage to self-worth, as well as having to continue to see and interact with your ex-partner and navigate new boundaries and changes in communication. In many cases, separation and divorce can add distress by adjusting to new custody arrangements, learning to co-parent, processing a betrayal, or accepting the reality of your ex-partner in a new relationship.
This flood of emotions and the panic surrounding how to move forward can feel paralyzing. Navigating this challenging time with kindness and self-care and focusing your energy on the aspects of life within your control can significantly impact your healing process. If you’re navigating an unwanted marriage separation, explore these six areas of support and self-care.
Make space for all of your emotions.
As you are processing an unwanted separation or divorce, you will feel many different emotional waves rise and fall. You will feel pain and grief, and there is no way around these feelings; you have to go through them. Practicing mindfulness and emotional acceptance during this time will help to ease your suffering. Embracing your emotions as they come can create space for healing and self-discovery. Journaling about your experiences can also provide clarity, helping you to articulate what you’re going through and giving you the space to explore your needs. Ultimately, this journey is about finding a new sense of self and redefining your path forward, allowing you to emerge stronger and more resilient.
Let your emotions guide you.
You are already facing a deeply unwanted decision someone else made for you. You must connect with your emotions and the vital information they are telling you about your needs.
- Your anger may indicate you need to set a boundary, stand up for yourself, or share something you’ve left unsaid.
- Your loneliness often tells you to reach out to loved ones for support, connection, a hug, or just not to be alone.
- Your confusion may reveal that you still need answers to make sense of the decision and that you’d like to ask for another conversation.
- Your powerlessness may suggest that there is still something you need to try before accepting the end of your relationship.
Remember that it is okay to invite your ex-partner into a conversation about a potential reconciliation. However, it is not okay to cross a boundary that they have set.
Make peace with your grief.
When you feel stuck in a challenging emotion like anger, denial, betrayal, or even numbness, ask yourself if what you are really feeling is grief. After the death of his wife, author CS Lewis wrote, “I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.” Grief is a process, not a single expression of sadness after a loss.
There are many metaphors around grief. My favorite is the ball in the jar. In this metaphor, the ball represents all of the feelings and pain connected to your grief, and the jar symbolizes you: your life and your capacity to hold those emotions.
Initially, when you experience a significant loss, the ball feels large. It fills the entire jar, making it difficult to focus on anything else and causing pain and overwhelm as it bounces around and hits the walls of your jar. Some say your grief will shrink over time and hit the walls less. But I believe that our grief for our most significant losses doesn’t shrink. Instead, over time, we grow.
Our jars expand, allowing for more space around the ball. The increased space in the jar helps you navigate daily life more easily, allowing moments of joy, connection, and purpose to coexist alongside your grief. Our grief can still trigger sadness and pain, but our goal isn’t never to feel it again. The goal is to create a life that feels larger and richer, even with the presence of sorrow.
Control what you can control and build new self-care routines.
In times of emotional upheaval, self-care becomes even more essential. When everything else feels out of control, organizing your self-care can feel like the perfect gift to yourself. Taking small, intentional steps toward self-care can help you regain a sense of stability and nurture your well-being. Here are some ideas:
- Create daily routines to provide structure. This could be as simple as setting regular meal times or incorporating daily walks.
- Don’t hesitate to lean on friends and family. Share your feelings and experiences with those who care about you. Sometimes just being heard can be incredibly healing.
- Engage in movement and physical activity. Exercise releases endorphins, which can help improve your mood. Find an activity you enjoy—yoga, walking, biking, hiking, rock climbing, kickboxing, dancing, or beyond.
- Practice mindfulness. Techniques like meditation or deep breathing can help ground you in the present moment and reduce anxiety about the future.
- Explore new interests. Now might be a great time to try a new hobby or activity you’ve always wanted to explore but have yet to have the chance to. Engaging in creative outlets can provide a sense of purpose and joy.
This newness will help your life expand and allow your grief to hit the walls of your jar a little less.
Visualize a positive future.
While separation can feel like the end, it can also be a new beginning. Use this time to reflect on your values, desires, and goals. Consider these questions:
- What have I learned from this relationship?
- What do I want for my future?
- How can I prioritize my growth and happiness?
Remember, it’s okay to take time to heal. While the road ahead may seem daunting, it’s also an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Embrace the journey, and know that brighter days are ahead. You have the strength to navigate this chapter of your life and are not alone in your journey.
If you’re in the midst of a separation, I encourage you to reach out, whether to friends, family, or a therapist. Your feelings matter, and support is available. Take it one day at a time, and allow yourself the grace and compassion to heal.
Ask for help from a professional.
If you find your feelings overwhelmingly impacting your daily life, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide coping strategies tailored to your unique situation, help you process your emotions, and guide you through the healing journey. If you’re interested in individual therapy, we are available for in-person sessions at our Charlotte, NC office or virtually for residents of NC and SC.