Dear Therapist,
I got triggered at a friend’s birthday dinner last weekend, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Someone dropped a glass and it startled me—nothing big, just a loud crash and laughter. I flinched, froze for a second, then laughed it off. Later, while we were talking, someone made a joke about me being “so dramatic.” Everyone laughed, including me, but I felt sick inside.
It reminded me of how my ex used to say I was “too sensitive” anytime I got upset. Even when I tried to explain what hurt, he’d roll his eyes and say I needed to calm down. I haven’t been with him for years, but that feeling—of shrinking, of doubting myself—came rushing back all at once.
I made it through the dinner, but I felt numb for hours afterward. I didn’t even realize until later that I’d been dissociating. I hate that I can still get yanked out of the present like that. Is there any way to stop this kind of thing from happening again? Or at least help myself feel more in control when it does?
Sincerely,
Worried I’m Overreacting
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Dear Worried,
Thank you for sharing this. What you’ve described—those moments when you feel suddenly overwhelmed, detached, or shut down—is something I hear often in session. It can be confusing and frustrating, especially when the people around you seem fine and you’re wondering why you’re not.
I want you to know right now: you’re not overreacting — you’re responding to a pattern.
There are experiences from your past—ones when you felt unsafe, dismissed, or powerless— can get stored in your nervous system. So even when you’re in a setting that appears safe now, your body can interpret a tone, a joke, or a moment of disconnection as something far more threatening. This is what we call re-traumatization.
Let’s take a closer look at what’s happening—and what you can actually do to protect and support yourself in those moments.
What is re-traumatization?
Re-traumatization is when someone has a strong emotional or physical response to something that reminds them, consciously or unconsciously, of a past trauma. It’s like a wound being poked again before it has fully healed.
You might find yourself suddenly flooded with fear, anxiety, or a deep sense of unease, even if you can’t immediately explain why. For many, these experiences can feel frustrating or even shameful, especially if they happen during seemingly “normal” situations like a family gathering, a meeting at work, or during an intimate conversation.
Again, you’re not being dramatic or overreacting. You’re reacting to something your nervous system perceives as dangerous. That’s a form of protection, not weakness.
Symptoms that may indicate you’re re-traumatized:
- Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts
- Sudden anxiety or panic
- Emotional numbing or disconnection
- Irritability, anger, or overwhelm
- Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
- Physical symptoms like nausea, headaches, or muscle tension
Why it happens
When we go through trauma, our brain encodes those experiences differently. The amygdala, your brain’s alarm system, stays hypervigilant, while the hippocampus—the part that provides context and timelines—can struggle to file the memory away as “the past.” So when a sound, smell, facial expression, or situation resembles the trauma in any way, your brain might misfire and think: “It’s happening again.”
This is how re-traumatization begins—not as a conscious decision, but as a survival mechanism.
Sometimes, you know what triggered you. Sometimes, you don’t. But either way, your nervous system is reacting as if the danger is happening again.
What can I actually do to avoid being re-traumatized?
This is one of the most common—and most heartfelt—questions I get from clients. And it’s understandable: you want to heal, move forward, and live your life without constantly feeling thrown off course by things outside your control.
The hard truth is that you can’t always prevent being triggered. But you can build a toolkit to reduce the frequency and intensity of those moments, so you can care for yourself when they happen.
Here are some therapist-informed strategies that many clients find helpful:
1. Understand and name your triggers
Knowing your triggers isn’t about avoiding life—it’s about protecting your peace. Start by gently exploring the people, places, topics, or situations that tend to create strong emotional reactions. That might include certain tones of voice, settings (like hospitals or offices), or even specific types of media content.
Keep a journal where you jot down when you feel activated, overwhelmed, or “off.” Over time, patterns emerge. And from those patterns, clarity and choice becomes possible.
What to do:
- Make a list of known triggers: people, places, topics, media content, smells, situations.
- Notice early warning signs: tight chest, shallow breathing, irritability, zoning out.
- Communicate boundaries with others when you can.
- Use content warnings or opt out of conversations/media that feel unsafe.
Remember: Awareness is power. The more you know about your triggers, the more you can build a buffer around them.
2. Create a “Safety Plan” for stressful situations
When you’re heading into a situation that might be triggering—like a doctor’s appointment, holiday dinner, or even a vulnerable therapy session—it helps to have a plan.
Your safety plan might include:
- A grounding object to keep in your hand or pocket (like a stone, bracelet, or scent)
- Breathing exercises or self-talk phrases like, “This is hard, but I’m safe right now.”
- A check-in call with a friend afterward
- An “exit strategy” if you feel overwhelmed (e.g., drive yourself, planned breaks)
This isn’t about avoiding life; it’s about giving yourself support and control so you can engage with the world on your own terms.
3. Use grounding techniques to stay present
When your brain starts to spiral, grounding techniques help anchor you to the here and now. These practices gently pull your focus back to your body and your environment, so you can reorient yourself.
Some client favorite grounding practices include:
- 5-4-3-2-1: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
- Cold water splash or ice cube: This stimulates the vagus nerve and brings awareness back to the body.
- Hold something textured like a stone, keychain, or piece of fabric. This can redirect sensory focus.
- Orienting: Look around the room and name the colors, objects, or people you see. Say out loud: “I’m safe right now.”
These grounding techniques are mere distractions. They’re lifelines—ways to interrupt the panic loop and help your body to reorient.
4. Set boundaries and actually enforce them
One major cause of re-traumatization is staying in unsafe or draining environments out of guilt, fear, or habit. Rebuilding it starts with boundaries. That means saying no, walking away, or asking for a change in tone or topic—even when it feels awkward.
Here are a few healthy boundaries clients have found helpful:
- “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.”
- “I need to leave now.”
- “I’d rather not watch this.”
- “I’m sensitive to volume, please speak softer with me.”
If any of the above feel too direct, try prepping scripts ahead of time, or even writing them down. You don’t need to justify or over-explain — your comfort matters.
5. Regulate your nervous system every day
Think of your nervous system like a bank account. Stressful moments and triggers are withdrawals. Daily care—movement, rest, joy, connection—are deposits.
To stay resilient, you need to make regular deposits:
- Gentle exercise (like walking or yoga)
- Singing, humming, or deep breathing
- Journaling or expressive art
- Spending time in nature or with animals
- Limiting caffeine and media that amps anxiety
The goal isn’t to be perfectly calm all the time, but to build resilience over time.
6. Reframe “avoidance” as temporary self-protection
You don’t have to “face” everything all at once. In trauma therapy, we talk about the Window of Tolerance—the zone where your nervous system feels safe enough to process things without being overwhelmed. If you’re outside that window, your brain can’t learn or heal.
Sometimes avoidance is the most loving, protective thing you can do for yourself.
You can always return to the hard thing later, when you’re more resourced or supported.
7. Accept that healing is not linear
Some days, you’ll feel strong and clear. Other days, something small might knock you sideways. That’s normal. That doesn’t mean you’re back at square one—it means you’re human.
Instead of spiraling into shame, pause and reflect:
- What was I feeling?
- What helped (or could’ve helped)?
- What do I need now?
That reflection builds emotional intelligence and gradually lowers the power of triggers.
8. Build a “Trigger Recovery Kit”
Even with preparation, triggers can sneak up. When they do, having a “recovery kit” nearby can help you stabilize. This can be a physical box, a list on your phone, or something saved in a journal.
Include things like:
- A list of your favorite grounding tools
- Comforting affirmations (“This will pass,” “I’m safe”)
- Phone number of a trusted person or therapist
- A calming playlist or scent
- Something soft or soothing to hold
Think of it like a first aid kit for your emotional safety. This kit isn’t a sign you’re fragile; it’s a sign you’re prepared and empowered.
You deserve safety and healing
Feeling re-traumatized isn’t your fault, and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body is still trying to protect you. And with the right support—therapeutic or otherwise—you can teach your body and mind what safety feels like again.
Healing from trauma isn’t about forgetting what happened. It’s about reclaiming your life, moment by moment. If you’re navigating trauma in your relationship or daily life, we’d be honored to support you.
If you’re interested in individual therapy, we have availability for in-person sessions at our Charlotte, NC office.